God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
50% drunk capacity currently
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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