I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize