Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
