So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I puked a lego.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
