It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
