I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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