Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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