Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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