i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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