I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
