fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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