someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
4 words: hood of his car
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
