you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
