Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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