went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
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