My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
you never un-have a 4some
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
