I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
