The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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