No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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