Betty ford says i'm here all night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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