the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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