see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
