I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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