I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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