I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
