take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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