I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
