Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
