Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
