3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
