Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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