what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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