Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
