I faked an abortion last night.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
