Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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