My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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