areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
