Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
