farters have to be the big spoon...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my being single is dangerous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
