whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I wish I only lived at night.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
