Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
