If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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