Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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