is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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