so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
