ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
