True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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