There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
