Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
