My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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