and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
