Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
