I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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