I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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