if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Are my feet made of real feet?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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