I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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