I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
