I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
