don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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