I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
